Drunk and Disorderly
by Ghostraine
Summary: Ezio had always been firmly convinced that a more cheerful person than Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci did not exist. Until tonight, that is. Turned out that there was, indeed, someone who could be more cheerful than Leonardo, and that was Drunk Leonardo.


**A/N: **This fic is the product of a conversation between my good friend Lilium-Bellator and I that started out with a discussion of how Leonardo was the only man in the Assassin's Creed series that would say 'psst!', and somehow ended up here.

**Warnings: **Mild violence, drunken behaviour, and bromantic cheesiness.

**Disclaimer: **Assassin's Creed and its characters belong to Ubisoft. I am merely borrowing and totruring them a little.

* * *

_**Drunk and Disorderly**_

Ezio had always been firmly convinced that a more cheerful person than Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci did not exist. Until tonight, that is. Turned out that there was, indeed, someone who could be more cheerful than Leonardo, and that was _drunk_ Leonardo.

"Oh, look, Ezio! A fight!"

"No, no—_Leonardo—!_" His gloved fingers almost, _almost _caught on Leonardo's belt before the man slipped out of his reach.

Ezio had also been firmly convinced that it was impossible for someone to escape Ezio Auditore's hold when they had practically been hiding in his armpit, let alone someone whose only solid connection to the earth seemed to_ be_ Ezio.

Apparently tonight was a night for many of Ezio's convictions to be disproved, he realised, as he tried to catch up to Leonardo's freakishly long strides without breaking into a run and drawing attention, amazed that someone could give him the slip. Thankfully it wasn't that hard to find him; he merely had to follow the waft of alcohol scented air clinging to his friend, and the glimmer of armour of the guards as they fought a group of thieves under a candlelit window.

_Leonardo must have excellent eyesight to have seen them this far away…oh, no—_

Ezio groaned mentally as Leonardo stepped into the light, officially negating any chance of saying he was _not _heading for the guards and backing out.

He expected Leonardo to call out something placating to the guards, maybe getting himself attacked in the process, although that was a surprisingly rare occurrence; Leonardo was so friendly with everyone that even the guards didn't want to hurt him most of the time. Ezio figured it had something to do with the eyes, so sparkly and blue and unbearably earnest when he was sad. He stopped in the shadow of the building he stood in, resolving to see if the matter would play out peacefully.

However, Ezio had again forgotten that this was _drunk _Leonardo. With a jovial grin drunk Leonardo clasped the heads of the two brutes nearest him in either hand, and proceeded to smash the two soldiers together by their armoured foreheads with a resounding clang.

Everyone, including the thieves and the remaining soldiers, and Ezio where he hovered in the shadow, watched open mouthed as Leonardo pulled apart the heads he'd just slammed together and flung the insensate guards to either side of him like feather pillows.

"_Buonasera_, _signori_!" Leonardo said to everyone still vertical as if he'd only just noticed them, and twirled—'twirled' really was the only way to describe it—around to Ezio's general direction, staggering.

At the same time, the three guards rushed at Leonardo's back with roars of outrage. Ezio's blood froze even as his body ran forward on instinct to aid his friend against the attack—and tripped spectacularly over a crate he swore had appeared out of _nowhere_. Ezio fell to the ground with a rush of air, completely winded. His head snapped up and he stared in horror at the guards closed in on Leonardo, unable to even use a throwing knife for fear of hitting his unsteady friend.

"_Leonardo!" _He almost didn't recognise the torn scream as his own. He would be too late; the guard on the left was already lifting his blade and _why had he stayed so far away and Leonardo was going to die the stupid crate_—!

"Ezio, _mio amico_, do not fear; I am merely experiencing a bit of dizziness!" Leonardo sought to assure him, as he threw his arms out widely on either side, still smiling so happily that Ezio imagined a rainbow might erupt in the sky. His rising elbow smacked into the face of the closest guard, who was unfortunately wearing an open-faced helmet, before he could lift his sword all the way. With a crunch and a grunt, he dropped to the ground.

"Leonardo, watch out! _Behind you!_" Ezio cried out as the last two converged on Leonardo, scrambling to his feet and falling over again upon discovering his left leg didn't hold his weight. "_Merda!" _He tried to shove himself up again, eyes never straying from the dreadful scene unfolding.

"You! _I'll kill you!_" The closest guard shouted, thrusting his sword in a direct line to Leonardo's kidney. The sword barely missed its mark as Leonardo twirled around again to see who was speaking.

"Oh, I'm sorry, are you alright?" Leonardo asked the prone, unconscious man whose nose he'd broken, and whose hand he'd apparently staggered onto while turning. The last guard clutched at his head as one of Ezio's knives glanced off his helmet with a loud, ringing clank. Simultaneously, the guard who'd tried to disembowel Leonardo from behind doubled over as another of Ezio's knives found its mark in his leg, the safest place he could think to throw out of desperation.

Unfortunately for the guard, this placed his face in the direct line of Leonardo's knee as he jerked it up, hastily removing his boot from the downed man's hand with broad, drunken movements. Another grunt, another guard slumped to the ground. If Ezio wasn't almost mad with fury at the whole situation, he'd want to burst out laughing. And maybe crying.

The last guard turned towards Ezio, not witnessing the scene with his other comrade, intent on punishing Ezio for making his ears ring from the noise of the knife hitting his helmet. Ezio was forced to pay attention to him when he started shouting, having watched the other part of the fight with frozen breath until he deemed Leonardo out of danger.

"_Basta! Figlio di Puttana! _You die tonight!" the brute was fuming at Ezio, lumbering in his direction. Ezio struggled to get into a standing position, but he was spared any need to fight when the guard seemed to lift into the air as if by some supernatural force.

"YOU WILL NOT _TOUCH _MY FRIEND!" someone thundered, and then the guard smashed into the side of a building with enough force to send chips of stone flying outward, revealing Leonardo holding him by the armour seams in his neck and back. His eyes glinted like shards of ice in the light from the windows and the full moon.

The guard slid down the wall and to the rough cobbles without support. Even from the distance he was at Ezio could see several dents in his armour. His thick, strong armour, that Ezio had difficulty combating. That took Ezio five times as much effort as on any other guard to get around. That was full of dents. And was that a crack in the wall?

"Ezio! Are you alright?! Say something!" Belatedly he realised that the shadow that had fallen over him a while ago was Leonardo towering over him. He spared the downed brute a few more seconds of gaping before his wind was knocked out a second time by Leonardo, who had attempted to crouch to 'help' Ezio, only to fall over on him.

"Leonardo, I'm—_huh—_fine, I just twisted my knee," Ezio wheezed, trying to shove Leonardo's elbow out of his gut as the man began an uncoordinated series of movements probably meant to get him off Ezio, but only succeeding in giving Ezio a few new bruises. Ezio ended up rolling the taller man off him, and when he pushed to his elbows he looked around to see Leonardo gazing at him with bleary, suspiciously shiny eyes and a watery smile.

"_Grazie a Dio! _I thought I had lost you, _amico mio_!" Leonardo tried to pull Ezio into a hug that would probably end in another embarrassing tangle, but Ezio circumvented it by pushing his arms back to the ground and patting his shoulder awkwardly.

"Let's go home. We will have to support each other now, _amico_. My knee is unable to take my full weight."

"I will gladly be your crutch, Ezio!" Leonardo proclaimed, and the next thing Leonardo was slinging Ezio's arm over his shoulder.

_What made me think this was a good idea again? _Ezio wondered as he tried to steer them on a straight course while Leonardo tried to go in the direction of his _bottega _by walking in a zigzag of meandering diagonal lines.

He felt his face grow hot from his neck to the roots of his hair as they passed the group of thieves who'd originally been fighting the guards, realising they'd witnessed the entire exchange. He shot them the iciest glare he could, but his dignity was marred by the continual swaying and lurching of Leonardo. "Why didn't you help? He could have died!"

"He seemed to be doing very well all on his own, _assassino,_" one said, while the others sniggered. "And, we like to keep our heads free of dents if we can help it."

* * *

Leonardo awoke in a very interesting situation. For one, he was lying on an uncomfortable surface, full of knobs and ridges that dug into his body. The surface wasn't stationary, either. It moved up and down at a relaxing, steady rate. Like someone slowly breathing. And it was warm.

He cracked his eyes open and regretted it immediately. All at once, a series of unpleasant sensations made themselves known. A headache slammed into his brain at the same time the dim light stabbed into his eyes. His mouth registered what he imagined was the taste of a dead animal. Nausea rolled through his stomach, already strained from where the thing he lay on pressed into his abdomen.

Opening his eyes again, slower this time, he lifted his head and squinted down at his makeshift bed. It was Ezio.

Although he didn't carry the scent of stale alcohol Leonardo could smell with stomach twisting clarity on himself, Ezio looked like he'd been in a drunken fight. His left eye and cheekbone were a swollen lump. It would take Leonardo hours to mix all the shades of purple and blue he could see on it. It was one of the most impressive black eyes he had ever seen. His hair was a mess from being pressed into a pillow all night. The red ribbon he always tied it with was pulled down as if it had caught on something, causing his usually neatly gathered hair to stand out in a bubble on one side of his head. He was also fully clothed, hence the hard objects poking Leonardo everywhere; knives, buckles…even his sword was still strapped on.

Suddenly becoming aware of the fact that he was staring at Ezio while laying on top of him, Leonardo pushed off of him, face reddening. His attempt was halted when his head made it clear that any more movement would result in vomiting of the projectile variety. He settled for rolling off the assassin, now lying on the space between his bed and the wall. It was quite large due to a third of Ezio's body drooping off the bed. That was going to hurt when he woke up.

_What on earth happened last night? _

Leonardo already had a reasonably good idea, thanks to the headache, nausea, and total lack of recall. But the devil usually ended up being in the detail, and he hated not remembering. From how bad his mouth tasted and the fact that he woke up _on top _of a deadly assassin, he'd probably regret finding out.

He was startled when Ezio stirred. Apparently his body had been aching for the opportunity to move, as he heaved a deep sigh in his sleep and started turning over onto thin air. Leonardo tried to make a grab at him and pull him back, but it was too late.

A heavy thud and 'oof!' echoed through the room. A stretched out groan followed. Leonardo winced. The next moment it sounded like a herd of cattle was struggling on the floor, before Ezio sprang into view. His eyes were wild and glassy, and darted around without seeing anything a few times before they caught on Leonardo. Ezio heaved a sigh like that time he'd thrown the Apple into the air and it almost fell into the Arno before he caught it. Then he groaned again and sagged to the floor.

"Ezio! Are you alright?!" Leonardo leaned over the edge of the bed as fast as his spinning head allowed him.

Ezio lay curled on the floor, his hands clasped around his left knee. "Knee…damn crate…" Leonardo managed to interpret from the next string of groans.

"Hold on a moment," Leonardo got up as quickly as he could, swallowing thickly when his stomach flipped and his head thudded like a drum. Carefully he bent and helped Ezio out of his armour and weapons. Then he pulled Ezio back onto the bed, pushing him flat and pulling off his boots, grimacing apologetically as Ezio cried out when he pulled the left one off.

"I'll be right back," He assured Ezio, pulling the blanket up to his shoulders before heading out of the room.

A few minutes, a bout of vomiting, a dose of headache medicine and a wash-up later, Leonardo returned to the room carrying various medical supplies he always kept in a basket on top of one of his shelves.

Ezio's eyes were closed but he opened them as soon as Leonardo entered, smiling slightly. "Headache?"

"Like I've never felt before. Now, what happened to your knee?" He threw the blankets open at the bottom to get at Ezio's legs.

"I fell over a crate."

Leonardo pretended not to notice the warning look Ezio was giving him, raising his eyebrows. "You fell?"

"Yes."

"Over a crate?"

"_Yes, _Leonardo." Ezio's glower deepened. Was that a bit of pink dusting his cheeks?

Leonardo tried not to smile. "Let's have a look then,"

The obvious relief on Ezio's face at the subject change only made his lips twitch more.

Together, they got the leg of his trousers rolled up enough to expose a black and blue kneecap. "That looks painful, _amico_. You'll have to stay away from jumping around on rooftops for a while, or it won't heal well."

Ezio glowered again, but Leonardo could already see he would grudgingly follow his advice. He always did. Leonardo had once or twice caught him shaking his head disbelievingly as he left Leonardo's workshop, and once he had heard him mutter something about 'eyes', but never had he seen Ezio disregard his recommendations.

Silence descended as Leonardo applied some pain relieving ointment to the joint before wrapping it up securely. When he was done he could already feel the painkiller starting to take the edge off his headache, and he breathed a small sigh of relief.

"Are you staying the day?" he asked Ezio. "Last night could not have been comfortable," here he could feel his face warm slightly, "and you need to rest the limb as much as possible."

Now Ezio was the one smiling, a strange, mischievous smile. "_Mi dispiace, _Leonardo, but I have an urgent meeting to attend with Machiavelli today. I will take care to avoid the rooftops…and any guards." suddenly he was looking at Leonardo differently, his eyes assessing and blank.

Leonardo's stomach squirmed with unease. "Ezio, did I…"

"Yes?" that strange smile was back, but at least it was better than the blank look. Whatever he did could not have been that bad. Right?

"Did I tell you that you have an impressive black eye?" Leonardo grasped onto a subject change, not so interested in what he did while drunk anymore.

Ezio's expression flickered with realisation, and he gently probed the area with his fingers, releasing a groan of frustration. "Oh, no, I'm going to have to face Machiavelli this way!"

"What happened? Was it the guards? Are they after you again?" A small tingle of fear gripped Leonardo's chest. He knew Ezio could take care of himself, but he was always worried there'd be one too many against him, or too strong a foe.

Ezio's expression went that funny way it always did when Leonardo showed him any sort of concern. Hesitant and shy and uncomfortable, with warmth creeping in at the edges. This time a little bit of amusement was mixed in. "Oh. No, not the guards. I was attacked by a vicious beast of a man. Completely blindsided."

Leonardo put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing briefly even as he felt his anger rise at whoever attacked his friend without warning. "_Amico mio, _be careful when you go out. You never know who could be waiting to attack you,"

"Indeed. It could be anyone," Ezio said, again giving Leonardo an inscrutable look, this time softened by a somewhat secretive smile. Then he was getting up and asking Leonardo about his day while he got dressed, and any of Leonardo's thoughts about the night before were washed away by Ezio's interested expression. It was reassuring; he'd been afraid he did something while drunk that would make Ezio hate him forever.

"I shall see you soon again, I hope?" Leonardo asked as he opened the door for Ezio a few minutes later. "I just think I won't be drinking that much wine in a while…my head might not survive it!"

"Yes, I should imagine," Ezio laughed, "_Arrivederci_, Leonardo. I will come by again as soon as I am able."

"_Ciao, _Ezio. And…thank you for bringing me back here last night. I do not think I would have made it myself, if my lack of memory is anything to go by,"

Ezio gave him a one-armed hug, still smiling. "It is no problem, I will always help you in times of need, be they alcohol induced or otherwise,"

"As I you." Leonardo was grinning widely; this was the first hug that _Ezio _had ever given _him_, instead of the other way around. As he watched the retreating, limping figure, he noticed something odd. "Ezio!"

The man paused and looked over his shoulder.

"There's a paintbrush lodged in your shoulder guard! How did that happen?" Leonardo called.

Ezio had to yank hard twice before the broken shaft of the brush came out, leaving behind a small hole. He hesitated for a second or two before calling back to Leonardo, "Whatever else? That beast of a man I told you about tried to stab me with it!"

_Wait a minute…_

"And that '_vicious beast_', who would he have been? Was it by any chance _me_? Why are you running, assassin?! Come back here right now, I told you _not _to strain your knee, do you want me to stab you again?! I won't hurt you! _EZIO!_" 

_The End._

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Reviews and constructive criticism are welcome :) 

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